I'm not perfect but I'm this, that and this.

After Sunday night I've grown to doubt us more than usual.
I'm terrified that the arguing will continue.
It makes it worse knowing that we're planning on moving in together.
I don't want to argue then. It'll be worse. I'll have no where to run.
At least right now, I stay at my place and he stays at his.


I just want it to be the way it was.
When I was on cloud 9 on the daily.
When I was constantly smiling.
When I was madly in love and nothing else mattered.
I hate worrying
I hate thinking
I hate doubting.

My Mom says that it's best we don't move in.
I told her that I think it'll be the perfect chance to make things right.
In all honesty, I hate not seeing him more nowadays.
That's when all of my doubting begins.
I'm constantly wondering what he's doing or who he's really hanging out with.
I guess I do know where he is, who he is with, but then my mind plays tricks on me.

And another reason why I've been so emotional lately, is because my birth control is making me this way, the stress is taking a big toll on me as well. I know that stressing causes more problems, problems I need to avoid, but it's driving me insane.

My surgery is on Monday at 1pm.
He says I shouldn't worry because all will be okay.
He says they're doing it to fix me.
What if I never get fixed?
It will break me.
I will be miserable for the rest of my life.
And for the rest of my life, I will be alone.
Because in all honesty, if I don't get better...
I'll let him go.
He doesn't deserve this.
He needs to be happy.
Happy with someone that can eventually give him the privilege of being the greatest Daddy, I know, he can be.