Life is always a learning experience.
Life is also a bitch.


We're still learning the "art" that is a relationship.
We're both still trying to figure this out.
I never thought it could be such a struggle.
But a beautiful struggle it is.


Aside from all the good things, I'm still dealing with my HPV situation.
I had the procedure from hell yesterday.
No pain, just fucking trip-out.
The pain is minimal today, but the emotional stress about it all is getting the best of me.
I'm in such an awful state of mind that I don't know if I'll be able to get out of this one.
I hate everything.
I hate everyone.
The thought of being that heartless bitch I used to be scares me.
I hated that person.
But how can I be happy, and positive when I get smacked down and dropped to the ground with nothing to help me back up?
I'm giving up.
It seems like I have nothing to look forward to.
Maybe just him.
But even that, I don't want.
He doesn't deserve to be put through all of this shit.
He deserves better.

My eyes are puffy.
I haven't stopped crying.
I left work early.
I may lose my job.
Oh fucking well.

Things have taken a dramatic turn from the last time I posted an entry. You know, I am definitely most grateful that he is who he is. I am grateful that we are the people we are. We've talked more than ever and it's made things much more amazing than they once were. We are two crazy kids that really don't know what to expect from each other anymore, we don't know where to go from here, but who fucking cares, right?! We must live in the present. Whatever it is we're doing, we're doing an amazing job. I've never felt like this about anyone, and as scary as it sometimes seems, I am so fucking happy. I couldn't ask for anyone else. He's just right. He's perfect and I fucking love him.

I can't wait to see him tomorrow.
I can't wait to tell him how much I love him and adore him.
I can't wait to thank him for being so patient.
For being amazing.
For being so caring.
For loving me for who I am..

I'm not perfect but I'm this, that and this.

After Sunday night I've grown to doubt us more than usual.
I'm terrified that the arguing will continue.
It makes it worse knowing that we're planning on moving in together.
I don't want to argue then. It'll be worse. I'll have no where to run.
At least right now, I stay at my place and he stays at his.


I just want it to be the way it was.
When I was on cloud 9 on the daily.
When I was constantly smiling.
When I was madly in love and nothing else mattered.
I hate worrying
I hate thinking
I hate doubting.

My Mom says that it's best we don't move in.
I told her that I think it'll be the perfect chance to make things right.
In all honesty, I hate not seeing him more nowadays.
That's when all of my doubting begins.
I'm constantly wondering what he's doing or who he's really hanging out with.
I guess I do know where he is, who he is with, but then my mind plays tricks on me.

And another reason why I've been so emotional lately, is because my birth control is making me this way, the stress is taking a big toll on me as well. I know that stressing causes more problems, problems I need to avoid, but it's driving me insane.

My surgery is on Monday at 1pm.
He says I shouldn't worry because all will be okay.
He says they're doing it to fix me.
What if I never get fixed?
It will break me.
I will be miserable for the rest of my life.
And for the rest of my life, I will be alone.
Because in all honesty, if I don't get better...
I'll let him go.
He doesn't deserve this.
He needs to be happy.
Happy with someone that can eventually give him the privilege of being the greatest Daddy, I know, he can be.

Happy mess.

It shouldn't be such a struggle. It seems like that's all it's been.

Last night was tough on me. I doubted me, I doubted him, I doubted us.
The thought of me leaving came right along. It's not that I don't want us, I just don't want the struggle. I don't want the heartache, I don't want the tears, I don't want the arguments.

I don't know what to say
I don't know what to do.
I'm stuck and can't move.
Quicksand.

I feel like I fuck things up.
He feels like he fucks things up.
Where will this lead to if we continue being so goddamn negative?

Last night was ridiculous.
I went out with my friends in hopes that I can be distracted, but I wasn't.
As always, Mr. Jones was being his flirty self.
I received the texts and I replied to them.
Of course, always making a joke of things.
I feel like I did something wrong, though.
The things I found in his phone are the things that he can find in my phone.
Why if we have each other must we look for...whatever it is with someone else?
I, on the other hand, will mention this to him.
Even though I know he will say, "I don't care".



I just want to know for a FACT that everything will be perfect
That him and I will always have an infinite amount of greatness in our path.
Forever.

I can't believe you want to stick around still.

We did it. The first part of the worst part is over; He finally met my parents. It was a short 'hello' and a quick handshake, but a meeting nonetheless.

He spent the night with me at my parents. It felt amazing. I am madly in love and it's pretty much the best feeling in the world. There's nothing more amazing than waking up next to him and falling asleep in his arms. I wish it never ends. I hope it never ends. I know it'll never end.

He did mention that maybe we should slow down, frankly, I don't want to. It's too late to slow down. I want it all and I want it all with him. I went on a drive and found 2 cute little places. I want him to check them out too, but I'm afraid to ask him to come with me. After last night, I have a feeling he's just as overwhelmed, but unlike me, he wants it to slow down.

I spoke to my Mom this afternoon whilst coloring her hair. I told her about him and how crazy in love we are with each other. She knew it, she said. She saw how happy I've been lately. She loves him too. She's somewhat upset, though. She doesn't want her "little girl" to leave.

Oh, Mom..

If she only knew how petrified I am about this. I doubt we're going through it anyway. He doesn't seem so sure anymore. No biggy, just sayin'..


P.S.
I start the gym, for the tenth millionth time, on Monday.

Negative creep.

It is not because I do not trust him or love him as much as I say I do.
What bothers me is that I will be replaced sooner or later.
I still ask myself why he even bothers to stay with me.
Which is completely and utterly funny considering he thinks the same.
I saw some candid pictures taken of me
I can honestly say that I am the ugliest girl I've ever seen.
Not only am I not attractive one bit, but I am huge.
I've never felt this gross in my entire life, and something has happened within this last week that makes me wonder if all the compliments, from no one in particular, are even true.
Seriously. Me = Disgusting.


(So, why is he with me? He can do better. Honestly.)




On to other news, it looks like we are totally moving out.
When? I still do not know.
I haven't been this excited about anything ever.
I do not want to think about the negative aspects of this, but really, what if it doesn't work out?
I'll be left out in the cold with no where to go.
I cannot come back to my parents.
I'll be too ashamed, or something.

95% of me, though, believes that this will definitely work out.
We've been through a whole lot of shit and we're stronger than ever...
I guess.. (I don't know.)
I just want to say this: I think I want to spend the rest of my life with him and that is the main reason why I am so afraid of doing this... attachments/rejections, they both suck.

*I keep falling deeper and deeper in love with this poor bastard, and it's freaking me the fuck out! I can't even tell him because I think it's too much. So much, it sickens me. Someone punch me. (I never thought I'd love someone this much again.)